LISTEN TO ARISTOTLE, MOTHERFUCKER!

“When will I ever use this stuff in real life?” the student asks.

The educator responds deftly, deemphasizing the specific practices he is teaching, beginning from a point of common ground: “…for the possession of the virtues, knowledge is of little or no avail, whereas the other conditions, so far from being of little moment, are all-important…”

The student snags a cell phone from his pocket and answers a text.

“Put that away,” the educator commands.

“I’m multitasking.” The student doesn’t even lift his eyes from the phone.

“And I’m trying to teach you how to think.”

“I already know how to think.” The student, after so many years coached not to read and reflect but to input the questions into a generative AI query box, sees no value in education.

And yet, the educator, born in ancient times when students did wrestle with the Greek philosophers, has sold the argument short. He strives to lead the student to develop his character, not merely his intellect.

The ancient one screams inside the educator’s head: “It is correct therefore to say that a man becomes just by doing just actions and temperate by doing temperate actions; and no one can have the remotest chance of becoming good without doing them.”

The educator translates Aristotle’s wisdom into contemporary vernacular: “You become better at addressing complex problems by breaking problems into parts, solving each, reintegrating the parts to come to solutions, and reflecting upon the solutions’ emergent properties. You improve at reasoning through complex situations by learning to defend your solutions and your view of their implications in writing. By supporting your contentions with argumentation.” And you’ll remain the shithead you are today if you allow Google and ChatGPT to do your work for you. With honest effort, you may yet develop into a decent person who does worthwhile things in the world.

The educator leaves the last parts unstated.

The shithead speaks: “Whatever.”

It is at this point that the educator notices that the other students have disappeared, replaced by a Greek chorus, who sing a response to the educator:

A shithead, yes, he is,

We will concede that point

But fools cannot judge worth

Just tell him, “Bitch, aroint.”

Still, the teacher doesn’t have the student removed from the class. He’ll try one last time. Buoyed by the support from the chorus, the educator resolves to continue approximating his Platonic form. “You cheat yourselves out of the learning you are here for without honest effort. You steal from those who have come before because of algorithmic scraping of copywritten material. And your use of these engines burns fossil fuels, contributing appreciably to the planet’s decline. Moreover, there is no honor in cheating. You will have more of a sense of achievement from work done honestly.”

Surely, his monologue will provoke some response—if not from the shithead, then from the other students. While the educator pauses, allowing students to reflect, Aristotle again speaks telepathically, praising the educator, providing reassurance from within the educator’s head: “Even in adversity, nobility shines through, when a man endures repeated and severe misfortune with patience, not owing to insensibility but from generosity and greatness of soul.”

The Coryphaeus moves to the front of the chorus, preparing to speak. He raises his hand to ask for recognition from the educator, who grants it.

“Can I go to the bathroom?” he asks.

A bell rings. “Good luck on the standardized tests tomorrow!” the educator shouts over the din.